Most weeks I’ve been going to the gym 2-3 times doing about 40 minutes of cardio, and arms or abs here and there. During weeks where I’m bombarded with exams and papers, I don’t go, but make sure I head straight back to the gym the following Monday. I haven’t weighed myself in a while, but last I checked I was down to about 156 lbs.
Between school and the first local comic expo, I ended up booking off about one consecutive month from work (I only work weekends), which was a really nice break—to the point that when I started back this weekend, I wasn’t perpetually pissed off like I normally am there for one reason or another (purposely understaffing and then pretending they didn’t know any better being the main reason). I managed to fit in a photo shoot with a model from out of town, and she’s planning on submitting the shots to a new Canadian tattoo magazine, so here’s hoping they accept them once we get that all sorted. I was supposed to have another shoot today, but the designer flaked on us, so no idea if/when that will be post-poned to :/
Last week was my pre-designated “week from hell” because it consisted of a take home midterm due Monday, in-class midterm Tuesday, evening midterm Wednesday, and 7 page argument paper due Friday. My paper’s due date was extended because my prof had been sick for a week’s worth of classes, so I thought the week would go better. I know the in class midterm went shitty (like the previous one) because my prof is fucking incompetent and, in a class that should be about themes and concepts (it’s anthropology of gender, age, and culture), he tests us on dates and irrelevant shit that requires straight memorization of the readings rather than a greater understanding of them. So even though the class is centred around gender, I might have around a B, which is so frustrating as someone who gets As and A+s in women’s studies classes that study similar material.
The day of the evening midterm (in economics) I was tired out and unsure of how I would do. I aced my first midterm (90%) so I thought the second one wouldn’t go too badly. That morning, I got my first polisci essay mark back and it was less than desirable (around 77, well above the class average, so I’m trying to be happy, but if it’s below 80—even if you can round it up—the number alone messes with me), which was overall discouraging. I spent the rest of the afternoon with my boyfriend studying for econ and got to a point where I felt like I knew nothing and panicked, so I started over with what I knew and reassured myself that it would be ok. I got to the exam, and within the first few questions, I was holding back tears because I realized how royally fucked I actually was. I scrambled to finish and went home in silence trying not to cry on public transit. I felt sick. I had never (in memory) felt so absolutely stupid when writing an exam. When I got home I just weeped, and soon after had my first major panic attack. I was so afraid that my marks were going to shit and I’d never get into law school at this rate and my life would be shitty because I’d have average marks in an expensive useless degree with no job prospects coming out of school.
The following day, I woke up feeling ok but soon sunk back into a familiar depressive state that I didn’t remember feeling in years. After classes, I found myself periodically crying throughout the day over nothing. Again, something that hadn’t happened to me in years. I felt like my depression and anxiety were resurfacing in full force.
This (long) weekend, I’ve managed to get my 7 page essay done early and do my econ homework (which involved 1 1/2 hours of not knowing what the fuck I was doing and having another miniature crying meltdown). I still have to get my shit together for an 8-10 page research paper for my Norse mythology class. It’s not due til the end of the month, but the optional first draft is due this Thursday. No idea if I’ll get enough together in time at this rate.
I still can’t help but feel like I’m going to fuck everything up. Like I’m currently fucking everything up. I try to remind myself that I currently have A+s/4.0s in two of my classes and I’m so far nowhere near failing any of my others. I even got a paper done well ahead of the night before it’s due, and I’m happy with it. Yet my outlook is so pessimistically shitty that I can’t get past the daunting notion that there is still so much more work and stress ahead and that I’m probably not going to do nearly as well as I want (or feel I need) to.